Codependent No More
I’m currently reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It’s an old book yet I’m finding value in it. I, like many therapists, have a long list of books I’d love to read about relevant mental health topics that I’ll probably never get though. This book is not necessarily at top on my list, but I’ve heard good things about it and it happened to be available at the library.
While I haven’t finished listening (I’m an audiobook person), there are several quotes from this book that have really made me stop to think. Here’s one:
“We don’t have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying “If you loved me you wouldn’t drink” to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying “If you loved me, you wouldn’t cough” to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you—they are saying they don’t love themselves.”
This quote in particular makes me reflect on my work with clients who are struggling in their relationships. Often, clients come to me describing what their partner did to them. How they have been hurt and betrayed. While it is important to attend to these wounds, it is also important to consider why their partner might be behaving this way. Perhaps the intention isn’t to harm you. Perhaps your partner is trying to numb their own emotional pain. I find that if we can be curious for long enough, we can build some empathy for where the partner is at and what they’re struggling with. It’s important to mention that we DO NOT explore this line of thinking as a way to take sides or justify anyone’s hurtful, destructive behavior. Rather, we practice curiosity in an effort to create space for more connection and empathy between the couple.
It’s not always about you. And typically when there’s issues within your relationship, you’re not the only one in pain.